Thanks to Lisa for providing our first blog post by a member of GALIA. Please be aware this post does not necessarily represent the beliefs of the GALIA club, but one person's experience of OUTspoken. Anyways, give it a read! :)
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It has been well chronicled that OUTspoken was a huge success. Great, what does that mean? It drew large numbers of people to many events, didn't lose money, and sparked some interest and conversation in the wider community. Awesome. However, I'd like to look at this from a more personal level. What did OUTspoken do for you?
I'll start this conversation with my own story. Long known as the sarcastic voice at occasional club meetings and events, I may now be known hereafter as the girl who broke down crying during her comments at the Queer and Christian Q&A session. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. On the plus side, you now know that I have feelings. On the down side, you now know that I have feelings. I digress.
Growing up in the Christian subculture and attending a Christian school, I didn't even know what homosexual meant for a long time. It wasn't something that was discussed, at all, when I was young. It never occurred to my parents that I could be gay, despite the fact that (in my own eyes, at least) I am a huge flamer. When I finally did start to hear about gay people, it was always in a derisive manner, and often with inappropriate humor. There was definitely a sense of “us versus them,” a fear that the homosexuals were out to commit unspeakable wrongs against the moral fabric of our society. I wish I were exaggerating.
As the gay marriage debate boiled over, this sentiment grew, and I started hearing about the subject more and more often. People started panicking. “What if the government has to censor or outlaw the Bible as hate literature?” “What if they start teaching our kids about gay people in school or, God forbid, telling them that it's an acceptable lifestyle?” Incidentally, this was going on during my mid-teen years, when I was questioning my own sexuality.
I won't go into details right now on the struggle that went on in my mind, because this is a blog post, not a novel. Suffice it to say, I didn't have anybody to talk to about these things, and I kept my feelings repressed until grade twelve, when I finally came out to a few people… including my boyfriend. Although I now discuss my sexuality openly, I still find it very difficult to discuss being a gay Christian, both because it is confusing and because I fear that no one will understand.
OUTspoken provided me with an opportunity that I hadn't really had before- to explore the intersection between faith and sexuality from another self-identified queer person's eyes. I have a friend in my hometown of Victoria who chose to live a celibate life rather than act on same-sex desires, and I have had many straight Christians tell me all about how I should live my life, but have had limited contact with other gay Christians. Doctor John Corvino's speech was certainly interesting because he tore down some of the moral arguments for why homosexuality is wrong. However, that can only go so far. I can reason with myself forever and still have a nagging feeling that I'm a bad person, due to how I grew up, if for no other reason. I doubt that that fight will ever be settled in my mind.
What was so special about the Queer and Christian Q&A was the fact that two people who I know and respect made themselves vulnerable and were brutally honest about their own thought processes as young gay Christians. I had never heard anyone go into so much detail as Tyson and Lindsey did at the workshop. They each read one of their own journal entries from a desperate night, and I identified with both heavily. I had to blink back tears a few times, especially when Lindsey pointed out after reading from her journal that it had been too shameful to even write that she might be a lesbian, and so she had resorted to referring to it in abstract terms. I completely understood. I had written something eerily similar as a teenager, begging God to pull this thorn from my side, because it was more than I could bear. I referred to my sexuality in abstract terms as well because, as I said earlier, it was almost unspeakable when I was growing up.
I have appreciated getting to know many queer people since coming out, but there have been so few opportunities to communicate this particular challenge to others. I laughed to myself when Tyson and Lindsey admitted that they had to come out as Christian to other queers and that it often had a negative reaction, because I have found the same to be true. Many people on both sides still see it as an “us versus them,” “either or” kind of situation, and so it is difficult to find an avenue to express oneself if caught in the middle. The most valuable thing I took from OUTspoken was the simple dialog around the issue, the honesty and openness that I have so rarely experienced. Communication is more important than some people realize, and now I know just how alone I am not.
This is a major reason why I am so excited that GALIA is poised to bring a queer resource centre to campus. We need people who are questioning their sexuality, or who identify as queer but feel alone, to have a place to come where they can speak honestly and feel safe. There are some things that are difficult to talk to just anyone about, even a counselor. Simply the presence of a safe space on campus where people can come to ask questions, spill their guts, or simply find company would go a long way to making life easier for queers in our city.
Now I put the question to you. What are your thoughts? How did OUTspoken most affect you?
